If You Had Said…

Another long absence from posting, but I have been busy once more, doing something I haven’t really done in a long time.

Being happy.

Moving to the big city was an exciting move, but venturing out from my comfort zone left me with anxious ups and depressed downs.  When I worked at the craft store for a season, I thought I was happy until it ended – when I learned just how relieved I was to be free of it.  Then a period of depression with nothing to occupy my time and no money to support myself.  When I worked at the call center, I thought I would do great until the stomach bug hit me and pretty nearly ruined me.  Again, I was happy to be free, but I didn’t leave on my terms and I was, once again, unable to support myself.  I went back to school, limping on with my parents’ help, but I had no real direction; I had never had some great path to follow and, at 26, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

About two months ago, I finished my Phlebotomy classes and, after about a year of working toward it, I was left with a certificate and still no job.  The two weeks between getting my certificate and getting an interview were nerve-wracking, the interview had me sweating – say the right thing, but also don’t lie; sound hire-able while working through depression that drained my self-confidence – and the relief of getting the job was overwhelming.  Now I am trained and signed off in Phlebotomy and Registration and I don’t have to wait on someone to call a patient back for me.

When I worked at the craft store – a very active job – I not only didn’t lose weight like I thought, but actually gained about 50lbs and had no energy.  I was the heaviest I had ever been and the lack of sleep threw my depression out of control.  Free time didn’t help, but neither did the desk job at the call center.  Even when I was sick, I was just barely able to maintain my weight and not gain more.  Since January, when I started my Phlebotomy classes, I have lost 15-20lbs healthily.  I am eating salads – happily (who am I and what have I done with myself?!) – for lunch and still have energy to burn when I get home.

If you had told me three years ago that this would be my life, I would not have believed you.

If you had told me I would not only be happy working with people, but sticking them with needles, I would have laughed at you.

If you had told me I would have such a low tolerance for electronics – phones, televisions, computers, even video games – that I couldn’t focus on just one of those things at a time, I wouldn’t have believed you.  I was putting in 8-12 hours at a time on video games alone.

If you had told me I would not only be eating better, but be unable to tolerate “cheap” food anymore, I would have thought you didn’t know me very well.

If you had told me I would find washing dishes and cleaning my room therapeutic, that I could simplify my things until I had more containers than things, that I could knit, that I would care enough to wash my clothes separately, that I wouldn’t even touch my geeky t-shirts for months on end, or that I would have nearly as many lists for my life as my mother, I simply wouldn’t have believed you.

None of that was me.
Now it is.

A person isn’t born knowing who they are, they have to discover it along the way.  Don’t deny yourself those chances to learn.  I have lost things and blamed it on my insufficiency when it was they who weren’t worthy of me.  It takes a lot to love yourself and even more to love yourself as you are, not as you should be or are expected to be.

Having a ferret that gives you kisses makes you feel pretty darn good about yourself, too.

 

Enough with the heavy stuff.  I have been working on crafts recently and will be posting about them soon!

Hope you all are having a great weekend and, if able, are spending Father’s Day with your old man.

Kriscious

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